Why Co-Ed Activities Matter for Our Kids
- Katya Virshilas
- May 2
- 6 min read
Updated: May 10
At what age do young boys and girls stop hugging each other? When do our boys and girls stop hanging out and doing activities together in mixed groups? I noticed with my kids that between the ages of 5-9 years my boys had fewer and fewer interactions with girls. Football had the one odd girl, the rugby teams split at age 8 for girls and boys, and most Extra Curricular Activities ( ECA’s)are divided - if I am being very honest, boys do sports and girls do ballet- not everyone obviously, but you get the picture. If it weren’t for the fact that my boys take dance and compete in dance competitions, then they really wouldn’t be around girls at all except the odd interactions in school and maybe PE. With the Netflix TV show Adolescence, there is a big spotlight on our boy’s behaviour, social media and the social interaction between boys and girls in schools. Adolescence shows how commonplace youth violence, and in particular youth gender violence, can be in a society where boys and young men constantly have red pill content and narratives promoting toxic masculinity shoved down their throats.
From age 5 and up our children spend more time in schools than they do at home. So I want to pose a question:
How do boys and girls learn to interact healthily if they don’t really cooperate together and are divided at such a young age by activities and interests?
The other day, I was at a school open house and there were different vendors representing their companies, so many wonderful after-school activities for children, but you would need to be blind not to see the absolute fear and terror in boys’ eyes when they saw the dance companies. The ballet company was covered with glitter and tutus and princess dresses, making it look like a girl’s only zone. Imagine if they would have displayed Michael Jordan jumping next to Barshinikov showcasing the athleticism that it takes to create high jumps. And as I looked around, I saw how segregated the activities were, with the fencing company having mostly boys around it, the robotics table attracted boys while the theatre and dance companies had mostly visits from girls.
I stopped and spoke with parents and 99% of the mothers said “Oh no, my son would never dance” or “ I wish my son would show interest in dance” but why? WHY don’t our boys want to learn to move, to dance, to be coordinated, to jump high, and have speed in their feet, to be able to lead a girl across the floor, to be able to memorise complex patterns and counts and visualise the choreography while making sure you have great spatial awareness. Each one of these skills is like water and air for our children. Our kids are growing up to be less and less capable of doing things for themselves. To be social, to be confident, to have a conversation and DANCE is where all of this starts.
When did our boys become afraid of dance, art and expression?! I know my boys get their fair share of other boys making fun of them for dancing (I could write a whole blog about boys being bullied for dancing and being called a GIRL, twinkle toes, and other words). But seriously, when did our boys become afraid to express themselves?
As parents, without even realising it, we put our children into boxes from birth by expecting boys to play sports and to be tough and strong and putting girls into princess dresses.
Which leads me to a recent phone call from a friend. Let’s call him John. John got a call from his 10- year old son’s school saying that he was doing the “yawn, stretch, and hug” trick. You know, when you go to the movies and the boy is too shy to put his arm around the girl and he pretends to yawn, stretches his arm around the girl’s shoulder. Then there’s that moment where the boy is unsure if the girl will accept it or remove it.
The boy might even dare to try and touch her boob to show off in front of his friends. In John’s case, his son also ended up sharing the girl’s private address with his school mates. This was a serious matter.
As he told me this story I asked when was the last time he did an activity around or with girls?
Our conversation went something like this:
John: I can't remember the last time the boys spent any time with a girl. They were probably, like, five years old on a playdate
Me: What does he do after school? Does he have any activities that he does with other girls?
John: He skis, and he plays football, and golf, but it’s all with other boys.
Me: The only time in school where the kids interact in co-ed activities is a little bit in art class and maybe some PE activities. Boys need tumble play and girls do tend to have more quiet play, but I love seeing my boys with other girls as a different part of their brain is engaged and vice versa.
John realized that his sons had not learned anything about healthy interactions with girls because they’ve stopped hanging out and having activities with girls. Traditionally kids would grow up with their extended family, like cousins, so would have more exposure to boy/girl interactions. Now with people living far away from extended family, we can’t rely on that exposure.Growing up with extended family traditionally provided children with more opportunities for boy/girl interactions, such as with cousins. However, as families now often live far apart, this natural exposure is less common.
Schools and educational institutions are very quick to teach our kids about inappropriate touching and interaction which is extremely important, but when do they teach our children about healthy interactions and positive etiquette? And I’m not talking about sex ed class.
In my 20 years of teaching, more and more of my time is spent in schools and it breaks my heart; seeing kids in schools where dance and movement is not implemented because the kids are painfully shy and awkward. Movement is an essential part of children’s development, for their brain, their bodies and life inside and outside school. In other schools that have dance you can see the difference where they learn about dynamics, actions, music, space and expression and they get to do it with a partner. They are more confident and learn manners, posture and confidence. Children that are more confident in themselves are more likely to stand up for themselves and protect others. So when do kids have time and space to learn to move together and interact safely?
Kids need a place they can move together and learn to touch safely. If we start creating these co-ed programs early on and part of everyday school life, then asking for a girl's hand to do an activity like dancing or moving becomes normal. They grow up being well-rounded. They learn how to touch and hold hands in a positive way. That is why my son always asks, “Would you like to dance” because he has learned to ask permission plus he knows boundaries and respect through dance. As my boys and students learn these lessons at a young age, I hope they carry these lessons as they go into secondary school and when they feel peer pressure to do inappropriate things that they will remember the lessons dance taught them.
As we come to the end of the school year and start planning summer activities and put together our childrens’ new school year calendar, take a look at the types of activities you are enrolling your kids in. How are we providing opportunities for our boys to learn to be around girls and vice versa? Maybe your kids will initially not like a certain activity because it’s uncomfortable or hard, but that is where our kids grow and their character really develops. So go forth and dance!
For more information on the impact of dance in schools:
Qualitative research indicates that dance is an immensely popular recreational activity with young people, yet in many European schools it is often regarded as that aspect of the PE curriculum most suited to young children and high-school girls.
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